50p? No, thanks.

I share my bandwidth with my lovely housemates, but sometimes the modem crashes, and it is locked in the office, and I don't have the key so fuck it. Got myself a nice cable internet for a reasonable price. They are coming next week! Pretty quick! The cable internet lady offered me cable TV for only 50p more and I said NO really loud. TV is not worth 50p! I love that it rhymes...

Should I stay or should I go?

Imagine

Not in my ass, please.

I can't sleep. Tomorrow I have to present a lesson to my fellow classmates so they can evaluate it. I'm on a music tutor training course, fuck. I can't think of anything. I should have it ready by now, but I keep thinking about big things, especially those I can't do anything about, like politics. I don't like governments. I like Bakunin. I chose a few quotes I like so I can share with you and go to sleep, hopefully. Big up for B.

"The liberty of man consists solely in this: that he obeys natural laws because he has himself recognized them as such, and not because they have been externally imposed upon him by any extrinsic will whatever, divine or human, collective or individual"

"Freedom without Socialism is privilege and injustice. Socialism without freedom is slavery and brutality"

"People go to church for the same reasons they go to a tavern: to stupefy themselves, to forget their misery, to imagine themselves, for a few minutes anyway, free and happy"

"To revolt is a natural tendency of life. Even a worm turns against the foot that crushes it. In general, the vitality and relative dignity of an animal can be measured by the intensity of its instinct to revolt."

"The freedom of all is essential to my freedom."

"If there is a State, then there is domination, and in turn, there is slavery."

"Where the state begins, individual liberty ceases, and vice versa."

"From the naturalistic point of view, all men are equal. There are only two exceptions to this rule of naturalistic equality: geniuses and idiots."

"Does it follow that I reject all authority? Far from me such a thought. In the matter of boots, I refer to the authority of the bootmaker; concerning houses, canals, or railroads, I consult that of the architect or engineer."

"But I recognize no infallible authority, even in special questions; consequently, whatever respect I may have for the honesty and the sincerity of such or such an individual, I have no absolute faith in any person. "

"I am conscious of my inability to grasp, in all its details and positive developments, any very large portion of human knowledge."

"If you took the most ardent revolutionary, vested him in absolute power, within a year he would be worse than the Czar himself. "




Bakunin and Antonia

Reminiscing

Walking... better, skipping down the street looking for a restaurant, staring at old buildings and posters, I remembered I had 15.000 in my pocket. I felt really rich. Could get even more thousands from the bank. I could be properly rich wasn't I in Hungary, where my 15.000 are worth 18 pounds, but it feels good. We went to a tea house and stared at the menu for a while. So many options! Dark coloured tea from Nepal with an unobtrusive nutty taste, perfect for drinking after a storm in the late afternoon. Ummm... No. Himalayan tea to be drunk reminiscing. Yes. I dwelled on my past. I dwell on it so I can chuck it away. Digest it. Gone. Can't see the point of keeping some memories. The start of a new chapter demands emptying mail box, cardboard boxes and mind clutter. I did it right there.

Why would I keep old messages? So I can stare at my worn out tail creeping into the unchangeable past? Do you read your stinking old messages? Do you still read your old lover's first attempt to seduce you? Or maybe your old lover's final bitter message? I don't. I keep some of their pictures in folders I don't really open, and sometimes I delete them, and it feels better.

I think about studying psychology 'cos I love reading about it, 'cos I think I can be good at it, but when I bump into people's memories form too long ago it gives me the creeps. I move on quickly and can't really understand why others won't. Should I study psychology anyway? I suppose so. What could come after a degree really fascinates me. I could learn how to hypnotize people. They would cut their tails and move on. Some of them would be like geckos. You cut the tail and it grows back again. Are you a gecko?

I'm not a gecko. I smash my tail with a hammer. And I won't wait till memories go. I will chuck all rubbish away, clean my mailbox once again, and really concentrate on now.

Are you stuck in the same position, with your tail in-between your legs? Are you staring at the empty space your lover left when it went away? Are you going to be like the old man I saw in a park in Budapest, passively waiting for someone to play chess with him while rehearsing old moves in his head? He must have stayed there for hours. I really hope someone showed up to play chess with him. That is a nice Hungarian thing. Chess is cool.




Play me at gameknot.com

My username is Paulette
If only the old man knew about online chess playing...