Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Filling the gaps

So the purple man left, and off I went in the search of this new reality. Uniting my jobless state to my newly found youth, I found myself soon after teaching school dropouts. Yes, me.

The report from the previous teacher said the most horrid things about Luke, my new pupil, and a few interesting ones like “he always does headstands and won’t stay still”. I quite like the idea of learning how to do headstands so I packed my lunch, filled my bag with papers and coloured pencils and left to the centre, looking forward to get upside down.

We clicked immediately. I could not see the person described on the report on that kid. Off we went to the park to exchange ideas on martial arts and acrobatics. The first thing he mentions when teaching me acrobatics is that the only thing to fear is the fear itself and yourself. Haha. From then on it was all uphill.

There is something about the way all the kids at the centre talk to me that make me believe even more that purple man. We connect, and that puts me right at the centre of the storm. I can see from where I stand that their most serious problems are their teachers and their schools, no doubt. It’s hilarious.

We tell jokes and laugh out loud until one of the very problematic female tutors screams some random abuse, telling them to be quiet (??) and sit facing her chosen side of the wall. I don’t get involved. Them females think I’m mad. Who cares? I orgasm! Woohoo. Hahaaaa.

It’s sad yet fascinating to be present at the very moment society fucks up their lives. It’s quite entertaining to apply them tutor’s little stupid diagnosis to their own fucking selves. Your arse is dyslexic, you’re a serious case of OCD with a pinch of disillusioned paranoia and you bum DOES look big in that!

I can’t tell any further for legal and moral (hahaha) reasons. All I can say is that this is quite a fulfilling job, England is a massively dysfunctional country, TV is rubbish, Tesco sucks, you’re fat and not that funny and women should all wank until they come so they stop throwing their shit on innocent kids. Word.

Wednesday, 17 June 2009


No more beers

You know beer is really bad for you? Scientists discovered it contains oestrogens, which make you talk shit and do silly things.

Yeah, what’s up with women? It’s so hard to work with them. Maybe it’s just me, maybe the women I know, but I find men particularly uncomplicated, and women specially tormenting.

We were, the 4 of us women, organizing this fairly big party where I live so I spent most of my time in the last couple of months having to cut through a curtain of emotions to get to the point. Very tiring.

Every object needed at the bar was like a death row wish, every customer an ordeal, every second an hour of misery.

A simple thing like looking for a pair of scissors becomes a huge undelayable mission. So I have this blond female sweating, shaking in front of me asking for a pair of scissors so she could hang some stupid flags. What do I do? Laugh, obviously. A man comes in, hears the emotional appeal and strolls to the next house, coming back with scissors in a few seconds. Nice.

It happened throughout the party, throughout my life, but it could be just a conurbation of coincidences. Maybe.

Later on I had to present the issue of no drum kit to all the bands, and the guys smiled at me saying they would try and sort it out, while the girls band spent hours screaming and running around like nuttas, cursing the late drummer bringing the drum kit, demanding we set them up in a different floor, just cos they like it. Haha. Madness. The MEN brought the drum kit later on and blew everyone’s minds with their magik music while the girls disappeared after blagging money from the till. So shit. Is it just another coincidence? Maybe I don’t notice men’s problems, or maybe I like them…

It’s funny how the limbic system takes over the whole of the female brain if we have any emotional issue to be sorted. I hate it in my own brain. I trust women to be clever, ingenious and all things good, if only we could rewire our brains into something more efficient. We must realise it ourselves in order to have some equality. We're not ready yet. I feel for men, really. I’m gonna campaign for them. Enough is enough.